Friday, November 18, 2011

MRI Reflection

Dear Samuel,

This morning (Nov. 17) Daddy lifted you out of bed in the wee hours of the morning as we got ready to drive to the hospital. You didn't understand - but were actually fairly pleasant in spite of that. Daddy carried your little jammied body out to the car and we were on our way. The usual route looked so different in the dark and before so many had woken up for the day, but you just snoozed off and on and were peaceful and content.

It struck me then, that you trust Daddy & Mama. You did not question what was going on or why you were even in the car at this crazy hour. You did not wonder where the girls were or ask for anything to eat. You just closed your sleepy eyes and slept.

You started to wake up just as we pulled into the parking garage at the hospital. And, I think you were hoping to see some airplanes since that is usually what you see when we are in a parking garage. We gathered our things and wondered which way was best into this massive complex in front of us. And, we ended up asking a couple of nurses who were on their way in for the morning shift.

Turns out, we were a long walk from the place we needed to be - but I did not mind carrying you most of the way. I was just so glad to snuggle with you as if I could ease what I knew was coming by cuddling and loving on you.

We found the check in desk and you were startled by the big doors that whooshed open when you got too close to them. After being charged only $30 (so far) for a $5000 procedure and enjoying the friendliness of Miss Linda at the front desk - we were directed to the waiting room.

Soon, we were led to another waiting room - one that said MRI over the doors. It was a peaceful green color inside and you were excited because Playhouse Disney was on the TV! You enjoyed watching your little show for a bit before it was our turn.

I watched other waiting mamas and children and wondered about those who live their lives like this. But, it also reminded me that I would do absolutely anything for you - even if it was something like this to help you see better.

Your doctor wanted you to have this visit at the hospital so a special machine could take special pictures of your head and inside your head. And, you were so very brave.

Next, it was your turn. We were led back by a sweet nurse, Miss Jennifer. She has a little boy who just turned four and he is getting ready to have a little brother. I liked her immediately. Then, we met Nurse Susan - she was like a grandma and was so sweet both to you and me.

You were excited about the red wagon full of toys and the movie playing quietly. You were very interested in the mouse who was eating off of a plate in the movie! But, you weren't too excited about the little things that got hooked on to you - things that made sure your heart was happy and gave your arm big hugs.

Oh, you were so polite even when you did not like things! You said, "no thank you" to the nurse several times when you did not like what she was doing. We got a smile out of this and I said you should get an 'A' for manners!

But, then there was the poke. And, a second poke. Oh dear, it was not going well getting your medicine into your body. Those nurses commented on how strong you were! Your little fist was fighting so hard that they could not get the IV in properly. So, you got a little drink of medicine to help you relax a little bit. You got to hold the plastic fire truck you'd been anxious to get a hold of and watch some more of the adventures with the "mouse."

Finally after the fifth (ouch!) poke, you were set and got a special little "surf board" on your arm with lots of tape. Oh, yes - you let the nurses know you DID NOT like band-aids. You never have. Actually, you hate those things! You did not want the little bracelet (hospital i.d.) and you did not want the surf board thingy holding the medicine transporter on to you hand.

I snuggled you up to your Sparky and scooped you up as they let me carry you into the special room where you would get these special pictures taken of your head. I could feel the machine pulling on my earrings and drawing me closer to it. I told you it looked like a cool space ship and laid you down on the bed.

You were so curious about this crazy thing you were laying in and were trying to look all around. But, you did not seem afraid - just wondering. It only took 2 or 3 seconds after they gave you some more medicine and you just fell right asleep. The nurse told me you were out and said to give you a kiss. I was happy to obey her!

Daddy and I sat in the waiting room while you were in that space ship looking thing. I wanted to cry because it was so hard to watch the numerous pokes you had to endure. And, to see the other children coming in for their turn behind you.

I had brought a book to read, but all I could do was sit and think of you. I rubbed my hand on your Sparky and noticed that Chuggington was on TV - you would've loved it. I told Daddy that I was so glad he had been with me because I did not think I could have endured that ordeal without him.

It was a long and a short 30 minutes. And, then it was time to come and help you wake up. This proved to be harder than I thought it would be. You just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep right there on the green plastic hospital bed for a long time it appeared. And, no amount of bribing you with anything worked. The nurse said you should have a quiet day, a "movie day." I told her she was going to be your new best friend if she wanted you to watch movies all day since I knew you would love that. Honestly, it did not hold too much appeal for you right then.

You were pretty upset when you woke up and very feisty. It was a loooooonger walk back to the car (especially for Daddy who was carrying you) because you weren't very cooperative. But, when we got back to the car - you seemed to be feeling a little better. Daddy offered you a cookie which you gladly accepted. And, you enjoyed the Capri Sun that the nurse gave you.

Since then, you have been so good. You have not complained or cried. You asked to go to Chick-fil-A for lunch and we did. Of course, we don't know any results from your test yet. That will come later. For now, I am just relieved that this part is behind us.

I can see your still small precious self laying on that huge machine. The dim light and the clean smell making it seem like another planet. And, I see everyone else just going about their daily things as if nothing all that interesting is happening today. But, to me - today was huge. It was a big unknown and I was nervous for me and for you.

Samuel - I just want to remember these things I am feeling and seeing right now. To tuck these away in my memory and for you in the future. So you will catch a glimpse of how very much I love you and how proud I am of you. Today you were very brave and such a good big boy.

I love you!!!!!

PS: I took these pictures of the leaves in our back yard when we got home - it was a beautiful drive all the way home from the hospital and I was itching to preserve a piece of it.


Anonymous said...

So precious and wonderfully written with so much love. Praying for your little guy.

LynnMarie said...

Oh how your story touched my heart today. It stirred up memories of taking our children to hospitals in the past. Both of our children were born with heart issues and we took that walk down the halls of hospitals early in the mornings many times. I pray you get answers soon.

~katie~ said...

Dear sweet Samuel,

You are a strong and courageous little boy. You inspire me!!! I know you don't know who I am, nor my family, but we have learned a lot about you and your family through your mama's wonderful blog. We remember you all in our prayers often. We are asking the Lord to guide every decision made to help you see better and that He will be with you each step of the way. I hope that if I ever have to have an MRI, that I will be as brave as you. :) Great job!!! You are blessed to have such a special Mama and Daddy. And remember Jesus loves you most of all!!!

Blessings to you,
Katie & kiddos

Celeste said...

Wow - this perfectly describes January 31st 2005 for our Valerie Grace. Except they would not let us leave afterwards because of what they saw. Praying for your precious boy. May God continue to carry you along through this journey and provide complete healing.

Bevy @ Treasured Up and Pondered said...

Sweet words...

We'll be thinking of ya'll.

Megan said...


Love you guys.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. I have had such a heavy heart. We found out 2 days ago that my Dad has only 20% lung capacity in one lung. The other is damaged completely. Sleep has left, peace has left, so I grip as tight as I can to faith. I walk...not by sight...but by what my heart knows to be true. But walking and breathing is getting hard for me, as I faced this hardship. So, thank you, for sharing this bit of "sunshine" into a life that is full of clouds to come. The rainbow is near...I just know it. With Love~Lona

Lauren (in Savannah) said...

Oh Monica you gave me tears. What a sweet, sweet letter to your little boy. He is truly loved! It brought back memories when my almost 21 year old(gasp) daughter had to go from Savannah to MUSC (we were usng a dr. in Charleston) for a barium enema with x-rays. They gave her the enema (which looked to me like the amount you would give an adult) and then ran to take the xray. She was about 3 and I know it hurt and made me want to cry. Amazingly she remembers nothing about it....praise the Lord!
P.S.>>I love how you relate Samuel fully trsuthing his parents and how we need to trust God. I need to remember that more often.....

Grammie and Pepaw said...

Dear Samuel, we love you very much and are very proud of you for being a brave boy yesterday! We are proud of you for having such good manners with all that was going on! And we are thankful that you trust your Mama and Daddy. As your Mama said in her touching story of what happened, she and Daddy would do anything for you -- and so would we. Love and prayers, Grammie and Pepaw

agnes said...

Oh Monica,
thank you for sharing this lovely letter to Samuel with us. It is so beautiful. What a hard experience. You are all very strong. I'll pray.
And little Samuel, you are so brave and your parents love you so much, take care little boy.

*carrie* said...

Glad you posted these reflections to help you process what happened, and to share with Samuel later about what he went through. Love you!

being molded said...

You've brought tears to my eyes. Two and 1/2 months ago my 15 year daugher needed an MRI. I vividly remember the fear that gripped me for a few days at what the test could reveal. Not until reading your story did I remember my hair clip popped off when we walked into the room :) I will never forget the fear in Kayla's voice as she said, in her sweet way after seeing the closed MRI machine,"Mommy I can't do this, please don't make me." We cried together and prayed and I held her hand through the longest 20minutes in either of our lives. After falling to my knees at home begging God to take my fears away, I felt a peace. Thankfully, our prayers were answered and everything was fine. She's still having the difficulties that led to her needing the procedure but I know God will reveal to us the next step, or remove this thorn from her side, in His perfect time.
I will be praying He holds you and your family tightly in His grip until you have the results and after for whatever the future holds.

Alex Lynn-Smith said...

WELL done, indeed. Parents have to do the hardest things for their little ones. Bless you all .

Raising Four 4 Him said...

Praying for good results!!!!!!

Ginger said...

I am in tears

Melissa said...

This is a beautiful post. I always enjoy reading your posts. :) I'm not sure if I have ever commented before. Your love for your son shines through your words. I have a little boy too. I will be praying for your little one.

Janet said...

Oh my goodness, (tears) Wow! I am not sure what to say. That was lovely. And sweet. I hope that you can have that on paper too in a journal or something. :) It is so hard when your little ones have something like that to do. My little guy was 6yrs old and got hit by a car and that was a scarey thing for both of us. And his daddy was not with us. We went through it all alone. But not completely. Heavenly Father was there and that was a great blessing. We will pray for you and your brave, polite, little guy. :)I enjoy your blog. I found it through another blog. I have just started my own in the last couple of weeks. It needs a lot of work. It is fun get comments and to follow other blogs and to have people following mine. I am having a fun time with it. You all take care and we pray that you will hear good news soon. (((BIG HUGS)))
Janet W.

Anonymous said...

Oh Monica. How precious! Of course I am crying as I read this, but also, so thankful for you and David and your loving care for your precious children.
Also, very proud of our little Samuel. Still praying for good results.
Love you very much, Grandma

Shannon said...

Monica - I know this must have been so hard for you! I wish I could be there to give you a big hug! You did great, and Samuel did too!

Debbie Fisher (debbiedee) said...

beautifully written! I am praying for you and your family. Unfortunately I have had many MRI's and I can't imagine watching my boys go thru it. Sounds like Samuel is braver than me. Ü

My youngest had vision problems for quite awhile as a youngster and he is now almost 17. We were told sometimes it takes awhile for the eyes to adjust to glasses (he was 20/50 in one eye and 20/60 in another. It did take many years, but he is now where he needs to be with his glasses.

I just wanted to share this with you to let you know it can take awhile.

angie said...

How differently this post would have read if you had written it as a journal entry. When written with the intention of Samuel reading it many years from now, it took on such depth and significance.
I'm not quick to cry, but I choked up when you said "I brought your Sparky close to you..." There was no need to explain to your readers who/what Sparky is. Because, of course, Samuel will know and cherish every detail that you chronicled.
God bless you and your family during this period of waiting. Remember Elijah waiting by the brook for several years. The ravens delivered his food twice a day, every day. In the same day, God will provide enough strength for you each and every day.

RT said...

Being a parent is hard work. I'm all chocked up after reading this sweet, dear letter to your little guy. I've often considered how hard it is for parents to submit their children to medical procedures. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and trust in God with such grace.

Janet said...

Hi Monica, I was just checking back to see how you and Samuel were doing. Have you heard back yet? Still praying for you all and for good news. Have a great Sunday and a wonderful Thanksgiving week. :) Take care, Janet W

(((((BIG HUGS)))) for you all :)

Elaine said...

Beautifully written. I have tears rolling down my face! Bless you, and your family and I pray you get answers soon.

Deborah said...

I am just reading this post and just wanted you to know that i am praying God's blessings and healing for you and your family and His perfect will for Samuel! He is certainly a little trooper. May god be with you all and thank YOu for being a blessing to so many.

asnipofgoodness said...

Monica, somehoe I missed this post the first time you posted it. My memories flooded back while reading it of Crocketts first MRI. It is so very hard to see our little ones so vulnerable isn"t it?? Well,thank you for the good/bad memories. They are alllll sweet now:).

Tina Leigh said...

Monica I think I'm finally catching up to when I first found your blog. I remember reading this heartfelt post with no inkling that In the future I to would experience those same feelings in the exact situation with my grandson/ son. In 2014 my husband and I did the very same thing, taking him to Memorial in Savannah for an MRI in regards to his eye issues and disease (Neurofibromatosis Type 1). You explained it all so well. I felt so helpless because he did not understand what was happening. As a nurse myself, putting someone under is not unfamiliar to me, but when they push those meds & he goes limp.....uh! My heart!!! MRI's are a norm for him now. But my heart goes through that same scenario that you so accurately described in this post every single time! Thank you so much for putting your heart (Samuel) out here. I hope all these years later that Samuels eye issues are minimal.