Thursday, May 03, 2012

Desert Part Two

Well, it seems part two is something I want to share. I didn't really know if I wanted to commit myself for several reasons, but it feels right to have this record of how God has been working instead of relying on my memory which in its fullness is not all together reliable of late.

But to tell this part of the story, I will have to go back a ways. You may remember reading my posts here and here which are really the beginning of this journey and story. Go refresh your memory, I will wait right here.

Back? Ok, this is where the story goes from here. At that time, I had been prayerfully considering starting a CC group where we live as the closest one was an hour away. Through all of that, God confirmed my desire to be involved in CC, but the timing to start a group was not right and He raised up one who is now a dear friend to start a group thirty minutes from my house. The first time I met her, I handed her my registration forms and a check to cover our entire year fees.

Fast forward two years. We have happily been in that group where I have tutored and loved on little ones and where our own family has grown and learned. My understanding of the Classical Model is still elementary at best, but I am learning and my desire to learn more is growing.

Then God begins to open the idea of a new group nearer to me beginning and He begins working on my heart in this direction. This process has been months in the making and praying over, but today I can tell you He is doing it! A new group is in process and we have a few sweet families joining us on the journey. I am praying for just exactly the right people, just the right everything that it might be HIS group to do with as He pleases and to bring Him glory.

As this process began, one of the big needs was a place to meet. I prayed and talked to David and we began by calling one of his local pastor friends last November. Time marched on and it was January before we got back to it and found out when their meeting to decide was.

I was asked to come speak at the meeting for a few minutes briefly outlining what CC is and what we were looking for in space needs. I anticipated a smallish meeting of elders or church leaders but as I sat down I could quickly see the whole church was there. It was not a huge church, but still definitely not what I was expecting.

I shared my few minutes and opened it up for questions which was where things began to go downhill. To be fair, most were genuinely just asking questions that came to mind and I might guess that many were completely unfamiliar with the whole idea of homeschooling.

There were two ladies there who were determined to see this did not succeed and it was very hard for me. Thirty minutes later, it was over and I left the room only to burst into tears in the hallway.

Over the next several weeks, I looked into answering their questions and wrestling with not wanting to back there yet not able to dismiss the idea that this place had been the place God laid on my heart as being the right place.

Through a series of closed doors, questions, doubts and struggles - four months later, this first church called and said their congregation had voted and were offering me the use of their facility for our CC group next year.

After how I had prayed, you would think my first reaction would be relief and gratefulness. Oh, how I wish I could say that was true. Instead, I had allowed doubts, fears and hesitations to creep in. Did I even still want to meet in that church after the opposition I had experienced?

Later that day, I re-read Genesis 16 again and this time God really used it to. show me how I was running away.

This might sound like a harsh or unfair comparison since I was not mistreated like Hagar was, but I did feel mistreated and hurt. And, I admit that my reaction was to run far away. But just like Hagar, God met me in the desert and asked where I was going and why. He knows my name and all the particulars of me and my tendencies to escape.

The next thing said to Hagar was also whispered to my heart that afternoon, "return." And, then the whispered promise of blessing. Hagar was promised that God would be with her, would increase her descendants - truly a sign of blessing in Biblical accounts.

In my situation, so many things were different - and I won't attempt to parallel a zillion comparisons that would just be made up. The reality remains regardless of similarities - God used this to remind me that if I run or escape, all I was basing it on was what-ifs. What if someone acts ugly to me and/or anyone in the CC group? What if it is my word against theirs? What if? What if? What if?

Instead, what if I based my decision and reaction on what is rather that what if? What is: God is not leaving me here on my own, He is with me. He has opened each door so far and through prayer, confirmed this path to me. He impressed my heart to ask at this church first and I have experienced spiritual warfare first and before, do not let the enemy win by giving up easily. I am certainly not saying to force something that is not His will or push ahead when He has not led. But, reminding myself not to give up or throw in the towel just because it feels too hard or too what-if. And, while I was knocking on other doors that were closing one after the other, the one door I wasn't sure I wanted to open did.

Lessons from the Desert Part Two: from what if to what is, return, be blessed.


Leanne said...

thank you for sharing your heart! I've had a "desert" period, too, lately! Maybe I'll share it on my blog sometime! I also appreciated your review of October Baby--I don't feel brave enough to watch it because my kids were adopted, but hopefully, I'll get over it! also, I loved your sweet skirt story!! what a heart you have!!

Grace said...

YAY! I am glad that you have that checked off your list and can now start planning for next year.

Debbie Fisher (debbiedee) said...

Thank you for sharing! I wish I knew of CC when I was homeschooling.

Christy Stanton said...

Oh Wow, I often listen to Charles Stanley and this reminded me of something similar he went through when God put it on his heart to Pastor the Baptist Church of Atlanta. There were people there who didn't won't him to be their pastor, and he knew it. He could feel the opposition, but he also knew God had put it on his heart already that this was the church he was to pastor. He trusted in God's will and in the end he was voted to be pastor of Atlanta Baptist Church.

Also, if we lived there I'm almost sure CC is the direction I would go for my children as well and would love it if our kids lived closer!: ) However, this is where he wants us now for this season and He knows what is best!: ) Much Love, Christy